Mother’s Day Jokes

Back to school

Little Johnny had finished his summer vacation and gone back to school. Two days later his teacher phoned his mother to
tell her that he was misbehaving.

“Wait a minute,” she said. “I had Johnny with me for three months and I never called you once when he misbehaved.”

Beans

A teacher asked her students to use the word “beans” in a sentence. “My father grows beans,” said one girl. “My mother cooks beans,” said a boy. A third student spoke up, “We are all human beans.”

Boa Constrictor

I was in a pet store picking up some pet food for my dog when I overheard the following conversation. A cute girl peaks over the counter and politely asks the sales representative. ‘I’m interested in buying a rabbit.’ ‘Oh sure we’ve got lots of rabbits’ gushed the motherly sales representative. ‘Do you have any specific color in mind? We’ve got some adorable white Bunnies down this isle.’ The lady exclaimed. ‘Oh’ said the cute girl with a wave of her hand, ‘I really don’t think my boa constrictor would care about what color it is!’

Call for backup

A police recruit was asked during the exam, “What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?” He answered, “Call for backup.”

Caterpillars

Johnny: Daddy, are caterpillars good to eat?

Father: Have I not told you never to mention such things during meals?

Mother: Why did you say that, Junior? Why did you ask the question?

Johnny: It’s because I saw one on Daddy’s lettuce, but now it’s gone.

Delicious

Three sons left home, went out on their own, and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said, “I built a big house for our mother.”

The second said,” I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.”

The third smiled and said, “I’ve got you, both beat. You know how Mom enjoys the Bible, and you know she can’t see very well. I sent her a brown parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took 20 monks in a monastery 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000.00 a year for 10 years, but it was worth it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it.”

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: “Milton,” she wrote the first son, “The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.”

“Marvin,” she wrote to another, “I am too old to travel. I stay home all the time, so I never use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!”

“Dearest Melvin,” she wrote to her third son, “You were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes. That chicken was delicious.”

Did you enjoy your first day?

The mother says to her daughter, “Did you enjoy your first day at school?”
The daughter answers, “First day? Do you mean I have to go back again tomorrow?”

Disney World

My two-year-old cousin scared us one summer by disappearing during our lakeside vacation. More than a dozen relatives searched the forest and shoreline, and everyone was relieved when we found Alex playing calmly in the woods. “Listen to me, Alex,” his mother said sharply. “From now on when you want to go someplace, you tell Mommy first, okay?” Alex thought about that for a moment and said, “Okay. Disney World.”

Expecting a baby

For weeks a six-year-old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.

One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.

The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, “Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?”

Tommy burst into tears and confessed, “I think Mommy ate it!”

First day of school

The child comes home from his first day at school.
Mother asks, “What did you learn today?”
The kid replies, “Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow.”

For the Sick

A little girl and her mother are at chuch when the little girl starts to feel sick. Her mother tells her to go throw up in the bushes behind the church.

When the little girl returns, her mother asks her if she threw up.

“Yes,” the girl says. “But I didn’t have to go all the way around the back. There was a box near the front door that said “For the Sick.”

Fred wants to get married!

Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, “Why aren’t you married? Can”t you find a woman who will be a good wife?”
Fred replied, “Actually, I’ve found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn’t like them.”
His friend thinks for a moment and says, “I’ve got the perfect solution, just find a girl who’s just like your mother.”
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, “Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?”
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, “Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much.”
The friend said, “Then what’s the problem?”
Fred replied, “My father doesn’t like her.”

Girl or boy?

A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?
B: It’s a girl. She’s my daughter.
A: Oh, I’m sorry, sir. I didn’t know that you were her father.
B: I’m not. I’m her mother.

God isn’t deaf

A little boy was kneeling beside his bed with his mother and grandmother and softly saying his prayers, “Dear God, please bless Mummy and Daddy and all the family and please give me a good night”s sleep.”

Suddenly he looked up and shouted, “And don’t forget to give me a bicycle for my birthday!!”

“There is no need to shout like that,” said his mother. “God isn’t deaf.”

“No,” said the little boy, “but Grandma is.”

God will provide!

A young woman brings home her fiancee to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancee to his study for a drink.

“So what are your plans?” the father asks the young man.

“I am a Torah scholar,” he replies.

“A Torah scholar. Hmmm,” the father says. “Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she’s accustomed to?”

“I will study,” the young man replies, “and God will provide for us.”

“And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?” asks the father.

“I will concentrate on my studies,” the young man replies, “God will provide for us.”

“And children?” asks the father. “How will you support children?”

“Don’t worry, sir, God will provide,” replies the fiancee.

The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks, “How did it go, Honey?”

The father answers, “He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I’m God.”

Great news

The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, “I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we’re going to be three in this house instead of two.”

Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes.

He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, “I’m glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us.”

How were people born?

A child asked his father, “How were people born?” So his father said, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.” The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, “We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.” The child ran back to his father and said, “You lied to me!” His father replied, “No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.”

Inheriting a fortune

When Bob found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

Her natural beauty took his breath away. “I may look like just an ordinary man,” he said as he walked up to her, “but in just a week or two my father will die, and I’ll inherit 20 million dollars.”

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening.

Three days later, she became his stepmother.

Joining the Army

As the family gathered for a big dinner together, the youngest son announced that he had just signed up at an army recruiter”s
office.

There were audible gasps around the table, then some laughter, as his older brothers shared their disbelief that he could handle
this new situation. “Oh, come on, quit joking,” snickered one. “You didn’t really do that, did you?”

“You would never get through basic training,” scoffed another.

The new recruit looked to his mother for help, but she was just gazing at him. When she finally spoke, she simply asked, “Do you really plan to make your own bed every morning?”

Labor Day joke

Daughter: Is Aunty Diane having her baby today?
Mother: Why did you think she is about to give birth?
Daughter: Because you said today was Labour Day!

Lie-Clocks

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, “What are all those clocks?”

St.Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.”

“Oh,” said the man, “whose clock is that?”

“That’s Mother Teresa”s. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.”

“Incredible,” said the man. “And whose clock is that one?”

St. Peter responded, “That’s Abraham Lincoln”s clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.”

“Where”s Bush”s clock?” asked the man.

“Bush”s clock is in Jesus” office. He’s using it as a ceiling fan.”

Like Father, Like Husband?

If it’s true that girls are inclined to marry men like their fathers, it is understandable why so many mothers cry so much at weddings.

Married for 60 years

A husband and wife had been married for 60 years and had no secrets except for one: The woman kept in her closet a shoe box that she forbade her husband from ever opening. But when she was on her deathbed and with her blessing opened the box and found a crocheted doll and $95,000 in cash.

“My mother told me that the secret to a happy marriage was to never argue,” she explained. “Instead, I should keep quiet and crochet a doll.”

Her husband was touched. Only one doll was in the box which meant she’d been angry with him only once in 60 years. “But what about all this money?” he asked.

“Oh,” she said, “that’s the money I made from selling the dolls.”

Math problem

Teacher: ‘Here is a math problem. If your dad earned $300 dollars a week and he gave your mother half, what should he have?’
Student: ‘A heart attack.’

Mother Knows Best

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn’t help but notice how John and his roommate Julie looked at each other. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two and this only made her more curious. By the end of the evening, she was convinced there was more between them than met the eye. Reading his mom’s thoughts, John volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Julie and I are just roommates.”
About a week later, Julie went to John saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the silver gravy ladle. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?”

John said, “Well, I doubt it, but I’ll email her just to be sure.”

So he sat down and wrote: “Dear Mother, I’m not saying that you “did” take the gravy ladle from my house, I’m not saying that you “did not” take the gravy ladle but the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, John.”

The next day, John received a response from his mother that read:

“Dear Son, I’m not saying that you “do” sleep with Julie, and I’m not saying that you “do not” sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom.”

Mother’s advice

Mother-to-daughter advice:
Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day.
But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.

Picking up things!

Miss Jones had just given her second-grade students a science lesson. She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. Now it was question time.

Miss Jones said, “My name begins with the letter “M” and I pick up things. What am I?”

A little boy in the front row proudly said, “You’re a mother!

Punished

A little girl came home from school and said to her mother, “Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn’t do.”

The mother exclaimed, “But that’s terrible! I’m going to have a talk with your teacher about this … by the way, what was it that you didn’t do?”

The little girl replied, “My homework.”

Salesman

“Is your mother home?” the salesman asked the small boy.

“Yeah, she’s home,” the boy said, scooting over to let him pass.

The salesman rang the doorbell, got no response, knocked once, then again. Still, no one came to the door. Turning to the boy, the fellow said, “I thought you said your mother was home!?”

The kid replied, “She is; but this isn’t where I live.”

Something that I didn’t do

A little girl came home from school and said to her mother, ‘Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn’t do.’

The mother exclaimed, ‘But that’s terrible! I’m going to have a talk with your teacher about this … by the way, what was it that you didn’t do?’

The little girl replied, ‘My homework.’

Take him to the zoo

One day Joe’s mother turned to Joe’s father and said,” It’s such a nice day, I think I’ll take Joe to the zoo.”

“I wouldn’t bother,” said father. “If they want him, let them come and get him!”

Thanksgiving Divorce

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”

“Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams. “We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her.”

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like heck, they’re getting divorced,” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this,”

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Okay,” he says, “they’re coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way.”

The chicken was delicious

Three rich brothers each wanted to do something special for their elderly mother on Mother’s Day. The first brother bought her a huge house. The second brother gave her a limousine, with a driver. The third brother remembered that his mother used to love to read the Bible, but couldn’t see well anymore, so he got her a specially trained parrot that could recite any verse from the Bible on demand.

Soon, the brothers received thank-you notes from their mother. The first son’s note said, “The house you bought me is much too big! I only live in a small part of it, but I have to clean the whole thing!” The second son got a note that said, “I rarely leave the house anymore, so I hardly use the limo you gave me. And when I do use it, the driver is so rude!” The third son’s note said, “My darling baby boy, you know just what your mother loves! The chicken was delicious!”

The Fiancé

After Leslie brought home her fiancé to meet her parents, her father invited the young man into his study to find out more about him.

“What are your plans?” he asked Joseph.

“I’m a scholar of the Torah,” Joseph replied.

“Well, that’s admirable,” Leslie”s father replied. “But what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter?”

“I will study, and God will surely provide for us,” Joseph explained.

“And how will you buy her a nice engagement ring?”

“I will study hard, and God will provide for us.”

“And children?” asked the father. “How will you support children?”

“Don’t worry, sir, God will provide,” replied the fiance.

The conversation continued in much the same fashion. After Joseph and Leslie had left, her mother asked her father what he found out.

The father answered, “Well, he has no job and no plans, but the good news is that he thinks I’m God.”

The Lamp

A six-year-old boy called his mother from his friend Charlie”s house and confessed he had broken a lamp when he threw a football in their living room.

“But, Mom,” he said, brightening, “you don’t have to worry about buying another one. Charlie”s mother said it was irreplaceable.”

The Stages Of Motherhood

Here is a light-hearted presentation of what we all think about our moms, at different points of our lives. Don’t get surprised because we all have the same tendency toward our mothers!

4 Years Of Age – My Mommy can do anything;
8 Years Of Age – My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot
12 Years Of Age -My Mother doesn’t really know quite everything.
14 Years Of Age -Naturally, Mother doesn’t know that, either
16 Years Of Age -Mother? She’s hopelessly old-fashioned
18 Years Of Age -That old woman? She’s way out of date
25 Years Of Age -Well, she might know a little bit about it
35 Years Of Age -Before we decide, let’s get Mom”s opinion
45 Years Of Age -Wonder what Mom would have thought about it
65 Years Of Age -Wish, I could talk it over with Mom

They are all the same size

Little Johnny and his family lived in the country, and as a result seldom had guests. He was eager to help his mother after his father appeared with two dinner guests from the office.

When the dinner was nearly over, Little Johnny went to the kitchen and proudly carried in the first piece of apple pie, giving it to his father who passed it to a guest. Little Johnny came in with a second piece of pie and gave it to his father, who again gave it to a guest.

This was too much for Little Johnny, who said, “It’s no use, Dad. The pieces are all the same size.”

Tooth fairy

After losing another tooth, young-old Timmy became more curious about the mysterious tooth fairy.

Finally putting two and two together, he came right out and asked his mother, ‘Mom, are you the tooth fairy?’

Assuming he was old enough to hear the truth, she replied, ‘Yes Timmy, I am.’

Timmy seemed to take this news quite well.

But as he headed for the door, he slowly turned back toward his mother with a curious look on his face and said, ‘Wait a minute Mom. How do you get into the other kids’ houses?’

Toy

The young mother skeptically examined a new educational toy. “Isn’t it rather complicated for a small boy?” she asked the sales clerk. “It’s designed to teach the child how to live in today’s world, madam,” the shop clerk replied. “Any way he tries to put it together is wrong.”

Two people in the same grave

A little boy was in a cemetery with his mother “Mommy” the boy asked, “do they ever bury two people in the same grave?” “Of course not, dear,” replied the mother. “Why would you think that?” “The tombstone back there said, here lies a lawyer and an honest man.”

Waiting for you!

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. Because both had jobs, they had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules. It was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day. Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. There he decided to open his laptop and send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left off one letter in her address, and sent the e-mail without realizing his error.

In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband”s funeral. He was a minister of many years who had been “called home to glory” following a heart attack. The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted and fell to the floor. The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
From: Your Departed Husband
Subject: I’ve Arrived!
I’ve just arrived and have checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

(P.S. Sure is hot down here!)

Shelly

We are in trouble

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.

The boys’ mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, “Where is God?’

The boy’s mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, “Where is God!!?” Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy”s face and bellowed, “WHERE IS GOD!?”

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home, and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, “What happened?”

The youngest brother gasped for breath and replied, “We are in BIG trouble this time dude. God is missing and they think WE did it!”

What is politics?

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, “What is politics?”

Dad says, “Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me capitalism. Your Mom, she’s the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the Government. We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the people. The nanny, we’ll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we’ll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,”

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents” room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny”s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, “Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.”

The father says, “Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.”

The little boy replies, “Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep poo.”

What my mother taught me!

My mother taught me LOGIC:
“If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can’t go to the store with me.”

My mother taught me MEDICINE:
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they’re going to freeze that way.”

My mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD:
“If you don’t pass your spelling test, you’ll never get a good job!”

My mother taught me ESP:
“Put your sweater on; don’t you think that I know when you’re cold?”

My mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE:
“What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you…Don’t talk back to me!”

My mother taught me HUMOR:
“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”

My mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT:
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.

My mother taught me ABOUT MARRIAGE:
“How do you think you got here?”

My mother taught me about GENETICS:
“You are just like your father!”

My mother taught me about my ROOTS:
“Do you think you were born in a barn?”

My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE:
“When you get to be my age, you will understand.”

My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION:
“Just wait until your father gets home.”

My mother taught me about RECEIVING:
“You are going to get it when we get home.”

And my all-time favorite thing, JUSTICE:
“One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU… then you’ll see what it’s like.”

White hair

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, “Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?”

Her mother replied, “Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hair turns white.”

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, “Momma, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?”

You are next

When I was young I didn’t like going to weddings.
My grandmother would tell me, “You’re next”
However, she stopped doing that after I started saying the same thing to her at funerals.

You lied to me!

A child asked his father, “How were people born?”
So his father said, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.”

The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, “We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.”

The child ran back to his father and said, “You lied to me!” His father replied, “No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.”